I hum a soft tune as I bend over the flower bed, finishing the last of the garden work. Despite it being freezing cold outside, I was still sent to make sure the garden looked nice. That included covering all the trees that needed to be covered, trimming all the dead bushes and flowers, replacing the dirt with rocks, shoveling the pathways, brushing off all the furniture that was covered in snow, and putting the winter decor up. It was especially hard because, since I live in one of the largest mansions I’ve seen, it took way more time.

Stomping inside the beautifully warm mansion, I start rubbing feeling back into my legs. I was out there from six in the morning to now, which is four in the afternoon. Everything that could ache in my body did, and my nose was running like a faucet. What made the whole thing worse was that I was leaving for the competition tomorrow, and my family made a point to show me that they couldn’t care less. Just like my birthday a couple of days ago. Just like everything I’ve ever done or tried to do in life. What about my four brothers? Well, they were celebrated in everything they did. And I mean everything.

When the oldest of the brothers, Matthew, got a C on his mathematics test, the family threw a party. 

When the second oldest of the brothers, James, got a participation award for a soccer game that he badly lost, my family bought him one of those amazing game consoles that everyone wanted.

When the youngest, Augustus, or August, fell off the horse he was riding, my mother personally got her sister, the queen, to give him an official ‘Master horse rider’ certificate.

Whenever I got an A on a test, rode my horses like a queen, or won many of the soccer games that I played, I didn’t get anything. Not one look. Not one word. In fact, I probably got more chores than before I succeeded at one of those things. Except for my grandmother. She was always there for me. Always celebrated my victories. She loved my brothers, of course, but it seemed like she had a special place in her heart for me. 

A loud wail interrupted my thoughts. My parents were out of town, and they left my other brothers in charge of my baby brother, Kal. They, of course, left him next to the back door in his crib. What great babysitters.

I gently pick up the baby and cradle him in my arms. Kal stares at me with his large, baby-blue eyes. Very slowly, he fell silent as his eyes started to drop. In minutes, he was sound asleep. 

“Oh, Emma,” a voice says from behind me, “I was just going to get Kal. Figures your brothers would forget about him here of all places.”

I smile at my grandmother as she walks over to take a look at the sleeping baby in my arms. Her silvery grey hair is in a loose bun at the back of her head, and her dark eyes twinkle as she studies me. I couldn’t help but notice how much we look alike. My dark eyes matched hers and, once, when she had gorgeous blond hair, it was the same as mine. While her fair skin was wrinkly and old, I still saw the same similarities between them.

“So, are you feeling ready for the competition?” My grandmother asks as I place Kal back into his crib.

“No. Not really. I’m just a big bundle of nerves.” I try to laugh, but the lump in my throat wouldn’t let me.

“Hm,” my grandmother mumbles. She leads me over to the couch a little ways away, motioning for me to sit down. She sits down next to me and takes my right hand. 

“Now, since I know you’re going to be leaving bright and early for the competition tomorrow. And, because I have to leave for my big trip in two hours, I thought I’d give this to you now,” My grandmother reaches into her large, brown bag, and pulls out a journal. It was a nice purple and had a beautiful pink pen attached to it. She handed it to me.

“Wow. This is… really nice,” I whisper, gently taking it in my hands. It looks really expensive, “You didn’t have to-”

“You just stop right there. No, I didn’t have to. But I wanted to. I needed to. And whenever you write in this journal, think of me. Now, I’m not going to get into any sappy goodbyes because I know you’re going to come back. You hear? I know it. So, instead of saying goodbye, I’ll say this. You’re strong, Emma. Really strong. Fight hard. Make new friends. Make a new start for yourself. Make yourself known. You deserve it.”

“Thank you. I’ll never forget,” I hug my grandma. Tight. I didn’t really believe her words, but I appreciated them.

“I know you don’t believe me,” my grandmother says, pushing me away, “but you have to. Repeat after me: I am strong.”

“Grandma!” I protest, feeling silly.

“Do it,” she gives me a stern look.

I sigh, but say, “I am strong.”

“I will come back.”

“Grandm- oh, fine. I will come back.”

“Last one, I promise. I am loved.”

“I am loved. Okay? Are you happy?” I ask, grumpy. I look away from her and stare at the floor. 

“Kind of, I guess. Whenever you feel down and alone and overwhelmed, repeat that to yourself. Trust me,” my grandmother places her hand on my heart. “I will see you at the end of all this. Don’t go thinking otherwise.” she nods, then stands up.

“Goodbye,” I say, looking up. 

My grandmother shrugs, “It’s not.”

I sit there for a while, thinking. Sighing, I eventually get up. I walk to my room, which is on the third floor so I spend a while just climbing the stairs. It gives me even more time to think. Though I was so lost in thought I ended up tripping on our German shepherd puppy, Luna.

“Sorry, baby,” I say, bending down to pet her. She wags her tail, feeling no hard feelings. She soon hears a noise and runs off down the hall.

When I made it to my room, I shut the door behind me. I survey the space, looking for anything out of place. Nothing was. Hopefully, if I made it back from the competition, everything would still be just the same. 

I set to work grabbing my suitcase. I stuff some of my clothes inside, as well as my hairbrush and toothbrush. I place a few books inside as well as a picture of me and my grandmother. After I place a couple of pieces of jewelry inside, I reach down to put the journal inside as well, but quickly stop myself. I leave it on my dresser instead, so that I can write on it later. 

After I’m done packing, I put on my coat and boots so that I can go outside again. The cold hits me full force as I walk to the stables next to our house. I lean on the walls as I breathe in the dry, musty smell of hay. My horse, Double Diamond, nickers as he sees me. I softly stroke his mane, leaning my head against his warm body.

“I’ll see you… well, I don’t know when. I don’t know ever.” I sigh, looking at the wall. Blinking, I clear those glum thoughts out of my head. 

I open the stall door and lead Double Diamond outside. I jump onto him, bareback and all, and slowly ride him around the giant yard. If you could call it that. It was more like a forest.

Double Diamond snorted as a little bit of snow fell from a nearby tree. I pull back on his mane, listening. I distantly heard loud voices coming from the house, meaning that my parents were home. Giving Double Diamond one final pet, I put him back in the stables before going back inside. I saw that my parents had brought all of my brother's gifts, and they were happily testing them out. Shrugging, I went to my room, mentally telling myself over and over ‘who cares’?

I grab my phone and plug my earbuds in. I set the music to my favourite artist as I grab a thick book to read. It’s my favourite one, involving five kids as they get teleported into another world. Would this be the last time I’ll ever get to read it?

A soft knock on the door interrupts my thoughts. The handle turns and my six-year-old brother stands there, staring at me.

“You alright, August?” I ask, sliding off my bed.

August suddenly starts crying so I run over to him, “August! What’s wrong?” I exclaim, worried.

“You’re-go-ing-away.” August said in between hiccups. 

“Oh. It’s okay. I’ll come back,” I promised, hugging him, “I will.”

“Bu-ut what if y-ou d-dont.” August cried.

“I will, Auggie. I already said so.”

“You d-don’t k-know that.” August looks at me with his big eyes, “please don’t go.” he pleads. 

I give him one more hug before saying, “I have to, Auggie. I really do. You’ll be okay. I’m sorry.”

August gives me a sad look, “Emma, please?”

“I love you, Auggie.” is all I say as gently lead him out of my room, “Go on. Go play with Luna.”

I watch as August reluctantly leaves, closing the door behind him. Sighing, I stare after him, wanting nothing more than to be young again.

***

It’s early in the morning, around four AM, and I stand next to the door. My brothers were all there, wishing me goodbye. 

“Good luck, Emma,” Matthew says stiffly, standing pretty far away.

James and August both run up to hug me. Dropping my stuff, I hug them back. 

“Bye, Emma,” James looks down, “Please come back. I know I haven’t been a very good brother but… please, just come back.”

“Don’t go,” August pleaded one more time, “You don’t have to. You really, really don’t. Emma… I’ll miss you.”

I hug him again, “Yes. Yes, I do,” I look at my brothers. “Take care of yourselves.”

I look around the room for a second, wondering yet again if I was ever going to come back to it. I take a deep breath, hugging the warmth of the house as close as I can. No, it’s not my favourite place. No, I don’t like my parents. But… well, it was certainly better than a life-or-death competition. 

Finally, after what seems like forever, I step out the door.

January 9th, 

Emma’s journal  entry, Day 1

I’m not exactly sure what to write. I’ve never had a journal before… so, forgive me if these entries are… well, boring to say the least.

Maybe I should explain my day? Well, in short terms, it was… hard. I had to say goodbye to my grandmother, and my brothers. Tomorrow, very early, I’m leaving for the competition. That might be the hardest part. Leaving. I never really liked this place, but still… it’s my home.

I probably won’t make it through the whole competition. But, if I do, I won’t let it change me. I promise.

Emma